Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Birth Revisited DD#1..Part 2 Booby trapped!

Lets see where we left off..

Oh yes, after a very disappointing birth experience I got to see my baby who did not want to eat.. a little formula was used on my nipple and I didn't even think about it I just gave in to their suggestions. What did they expect a champion nurser after that epidural? Back to my room I got wheeled in...

Being as Excited as I was I could not sleep, I had not slept in two days though and a couple of hours of tossing and turning inevitably turned to exhaustion and I started drifting off to sleep.... ah sleep... nice..cozy zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

RIIIINNG RIIINGG! what in the world oh! the phone
Hello? Hi this is the special care unit, it's time to feed your baby.. did you want to come or should we just give her formula.

Me: Starting to cry... could please just give her formula? I haven't slept in 2 days..I feel horrible but..

Nurse: Don't worry! Get some rest a little formula wont hurt her.

Me: ok...

MY daughter was in the special care unit with an IV in her little arm because they were scared she could develop an infection from my membranes being ruptured so long *rolls eyes. So I did not have the luxury of having my baby in the room with me.. I had to get up and get wheeled in to the special care unit, the next day I had to walk there because the nurse in one was or another pretty much called me lazy. I was swollen all over! My feed looked like they had Elephantitis! It was difficult to walk.

The next day I nursed, the lactation lady came and helped me get her latched properly etc etc.. You can even see her hand in the picture.

The next couple of feedings went ok but this is where it gets confusing I don't remember the conversations or anything like that but when she got discharged, she went home with formula, you know those little disposable bottle ones they have.

Nursing was great but the first night back home we had ourselves a fussy baby that was so fussy she wouldn't latch, then she would latch and scream bloody murder! Nervous and scared we deduced that she was hungry and that the colostrum wasn't enough and that We needed to go to the pharmacy fast! to get bottles and some formula so this baby could eat! So off we went, but that was an epic fail because she seemed to not be getting anything out of the bottle so we poked a hole in and and she nearly choked..

OMG! I thought this was all supposed to come naturally!!

We survived and my milk came in.. OH boy did it come in! Nobody told me I was going to feel like I was in hell! To me my milk coming in (<--happened both times) feels like I have the worst case of mastitis x 3!! I thought I was going to die!! Then I had milk leaking everywhere! So she nursed, but somehow (I now scratch my head as to how I was so naive) I felt formula was giving her more than me, She didn't seem full after I fed her because she always wanted to eat (what I now know is Cluster feeding to make you produce more milk!) So I would "supplement" with formula.

"A dietary supplement, also known as food supplement or nutritional supplement, is a preparation intended to supplement the diet and provide nutrients, such as vitamins, minerals, fiber, fatty acids, or amino acids, that may be missing or may not be consumed in sufficient quantities in a person's diet. Some countries define dietary supplements as foods, while in others they are defined as drugs or natural health products" 1*

You don't Supplement breast milk with formula! You Sabotage its production!
Man Oh Man was I naive!

After a while I had to go back to work, I felt embarrassed to pump there and I didn't have a fancy pump, also I have what I call "Pump stage fright" You know how some people can't go in a public restroom because other people are there? The sight of a pump inhibits my letdown..So I've never been a good "pumper".
Also the very little I would get I figured was indicative of what I was making.. what?? I only make an ounce? no wonder baby is hungry all the time...

Here is a great article from on not pumping "enough milk" Man I wish I knew about Kellymom then...

After just three months, I gave up on breastfeeding.. It was hard! And then on mommy forums I became and enabler, I unknowingly helped sabotage breastfeeding for others by saying things like:

"it's ok.. breastfeeding is hard! Formulas is not the monster they make it out to be"
"Don't stress over it I am sure your baby would much rather you be happy"
"Nothing wrong with supplementing with a little formula"
"Hey you breastfed for 2 days! Awesome the fact that you tried was enough"

I often thought I was helping these women by warding off the "Breastfeeding Nazis"

"Breastfeeding worked our great for you? Awesome! We're not all as lucky"
"Give us a break we tried! Some women just can't breastfeed"
"Why can't we just agree to disagree"

I now would like to apologize those women I enabled, You know the term "misery loves company"? I think in enabling you I was justifying my own reasons for giving up.

I would also like to apologize to the breastfeeding advocates for calling them Nazis and making your job harder... however you were doing it the wrong way, attacking most of the time instead of being more gentle with the information.

But one true friend and lactivist "L.S" She was persistent, She was tough sometimes but she was also gentle with the info, she was sympathetic but to the point, I reached out to her after a while on trying to re lactate, a lot of people helped me! And I tried hard.. I tried so hard but by then my dear daughter was not interested anymore.

I then eventually learned to let it go. I knew I tried, I was comfortable in knowing that and I stopped feeling attacked for my choices, when I did that I opened my heart for information and I listened! I listened to what was really going on in the parenting world, how easily we are misguided and are pushed into making poor choices thinking we are doing good. How big profit is to be made out of compromising our children and our health.

Many things have changed since my first, I made many mistakes int he beginning with her, we got off to a rough start but I am happy to report she is doing fine, at least kids are a work in progress never really completed until they start making their own choices..

As for now I am gentle with my choices, the choices I make for them are not my right, they are a privilege! And it is our responsibility as parents to "proceed with caution" and "handle with care" .

RESEARCH! Do not be afraid to be proven wrong.. I was booby trapped and I booby trapped others but I did not make the same mistakes!

"Whenever a warrior decides to do something, he must go all the way, but he must take responsibility for what he does. No matter what he does, he must know first why he is doing it, and then he must proceed with his actions without having doubts or remorse about them."
Carlos Castaneda

I'd like to dedicate this post to L.S! Hey you! Lactivist! you made a change! <3 size="1">
1* Source:


  1. I'm pregnant with my first child and due any day now. I really appreciate this post. I feel like I now know better than I did before how important breast feeding is, and that though it may be hard I need to persevere and make it to the other side because it's what is best for me and my baby. you may have enabled some women to feel better about stopping breastfeeding, but you've enabled this woman to really really work through it if she has too! Thank you

  2. I was almost booby trapped too, they gave Teddy formula several times as he was also in the NICU with an infection and hooked up to IV's in a warmer and could not be brought to me. I was so tired that at night they just fed him formula, a couple of times w/o even asking me. I felt horrible about it but he couldn't latch so everytime he needed to feed I had to pump and then feed him with a tube using the Finger Feeding technique. He didn't learn to latch until he was 3 weeks old and the finger feedings were exhausting. Sadly, the ONLY thing that kept me from buying formula myself was the cost. I knew we couldn't afford to keep up with it so I kept trying to teach him to latch and finally, after 3 weeks, he got it. It was a hard and dark period but it has made everything else with breastfeeding seem like such a breeze. I tell everyone if you can make it through the first 1-4 weeks you will be fine.
    Ironically I only had the horrible engorged leaking boobies with Teddy. With the rest I never had any issues my milk supply just came in and established itself quickly. Maybe because they are all so close in age lol, my boobs have memory I guess.

  3. Thank you!! and Thankyou IndiaRoses, With my second I have had the most awesome experience, which I will write about soon, she's been breastfeeding for 10 months and going strong. Definitely the second time around you know better.

  4. It's never too late. I'm so happy to be breastfeeding for almost 7 months now! Who would have thought? Not me! My goal was to do 4 months. I try not to get down about not BF #1 and #2. Knowing what I know now, and seeing all the milk I can produce, I KNOW I would have been able to succesfully BF the other 2. I want to have more babies just to I can breastfeed them! Haha kinda crazy, I know.

  5. i just want to tell all of you~


    Haha all you women are sickos! :P

    babies are so stupid! they should be aborted always!



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