Saturday, January 15, 2011

To my beautiful girls..

I have been blessed with two wonderful, beautiful girls... they are everything I imagined having them would be... I had my first daughter my little chick-ey monkey almost 5 years ago and I learned a lot... She has been my life my joy my reason to be here! I had my second daughter chub chub almost a year ago... she has been my rebirth as a mother, a wife, a nurturer, a human. I often worried how in the world I could love another child like I love my chick-ey monkey... how did parents have enough love for more children? HOW? it had to be a lie! how could I have another child and have that child intrude on my love for chick-ey monkey

Chick-ey monkey was going to be a single child... I had waited a bit after she learned to use the potty and things were easier, however I ended up coming across a couple of adults who happened to have no siblings, one said he wasn't unhappy, he had lots of friends and cousins but that he did wonder.. another one said she was miserable not as a child but now as an adult to not have her mother and possibly not long in the future not have her father and become all alone as they did not have other relatives near. It got me thinking.. Chick-ey monkey could possibly question or be sad about being a single child but she would NEVER question why I had her sister... as I have never felt bad about having a brother.. I adore my baby brother he is my best friend!

Hubs and I got married on our 8 yr anniversary, the month before my IUD fell off and we saw it as a sign... 10 days after the wedding we conceived Chub chub! Which brings me back to Chick-ey monkey... from watching too much "a baby story" I knew I did NOT want to go to a hospital but I was too scared to have her at home, so I planned to deliver at a birthing center, to make along story short I had her in a hospital, got booby trapped, didn't breastfeed like I wanted to.. etc etc.. I was a pretty mainstream mother but I will write about that later as this is not the point of this post. Chub chub was my rebirth as a mother! I had carried Chick-ey monkey's painful experience with me until her.. I had a beautiful home birth and 10 months later we're breastfeeding with no end in sight, we cloth diaper, co-sleep, baby wear, selective /delayed vax, we're in crunchy heaven!which brings me to this...

Dear Chick-ey monkey:

I love you, you were my first love, with you I learned to be a mother, I waned different things for you but yet you thrived, you have had a fighting spirit, you have been stubborn, smart, dramatic and you know what? I have a special bond with you because you remind me of myself!!! I know one day when you're a teenager we're going to fight and you might even dislike me or *gulp hate me... but I have been there with my own mother ... and I now as a mother appreciate her .. I hope I live long enough to see your children and to have you appreciate me.. I hope I never fail you as a mother and I hope above all you know you are loved and that I have many faults but I am trying my best to raise you to be a kind hearted, loving, intelligent, contributing human being\. I think you have all the potential I have but that I never used.... I want to change the world but I don't know where to start.. I hope your generation does find a solution. Above all don't worry! the world is not fair, and there are many things wrong with it but it is a good place... with good people you just have to look hard! Don't let t.v fool you ;)

I love you lots and I hope to be there for you until I am old an crotchety and don't worry I wont be an annoying old mom... Well I'll try. You are my sunshine!

To Chub Chub:

Man Oh Man!! I didn't think I would have room in my happy little heart for more love and you came! And OH MAN!! I love you!! I looove you sooooo much it hurts!!, you're such a happy, lighthearted, content baby! And I feel a connection to you that only breastfeeding can explain.. I have a bond with you and you are definitely an old soul... many people tell us that.. I sometimes fear you are too special to be with us, and I freak out.. but lately I have convinced myself that you are special because you will change the world. I hope to hold your babies in my arm.. I hope to see all your accomplishments... I hope to make you proud.You're a kind gentle soul... I almost feel not worthy of being blessed to be your mother.. but I am! and being your and your sister's mother is what I was born to be! And now I can't wait to see my grand kids! I hope they are as cool as you.

UGH... I hate writing these kind of blogs... halfway through I freak out that maybe I will die and people will be looking back at this.... how morbid huh... well more paranoid then anything but bottom line I love my kids! It's an experience no one but people with kids would know... silly but yes.

But this letter is to be continued.... I would love now to have more ..

1 comment:

  1. Tanya!!!! <3 <3 <3 This was so beautiful! Made me cry!
    I do not want to judge anyone who choose to have only 1 or even 2 kids. I can only speak from my personal experience on this. I am not an only child but I only have 1 sibling and growing up I can remember praying MANY nights to Heavenly Father asking him to please send me another little brother or sister. I wanted another sibling for the times when my sister and I were fighting, which happened a lot sadly. So often it was like being an only child and those moments were very sad an lonely. Its sad to not have siblings in your home to play with as a child.
    In high school one of my BFF's was an only child and she told me that she also prayed all the time for a sibling. She had no real family other than her mom and dad and told me that when she was younger she often worried about what would happen to her if her parents died.
    Perhaps thats why we have 4 kids now haha.



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