This Moment.. "Complete Relief"

I am participating on The Leaky Boob's "This Moment" Fridays.. (It's like Wordless Wednesday but on Fridays) I love the idea because she mentioned it makes you "look" for those moments that easily escape us and we'll never get back.  

This Moment... "Complete relief"  our little sea Monkey is growing :)

Looks like Placenta is on the right meaning left.. another baby girl? who knows.. I sure hope so! Girls Rule!

Link your  moments on the comments if you want to participate I'd love to see yours!  

What's wrong with the Ghandi approach?

You must be the change you want to see in the world.

Mahatma Gandhi

“If humanity is to progress, Gandhi is inescapable. He lived, thought, acted and inspired by the vision of humanity evolving toward a world of peace and harmony.” - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.


As a "gentle" "peaceful" parent would you tell your child "Do as I say not as I do?" Or.. "Do not do as I say, and do as I do only if you agree with me" (good luck with a teen!) 

Why is it that we're promoting peaceful, gentle parenting yet when it comes to other fellow humans especially those who dare disagree with us (even if you are right and they are wrong) ..why does that go out the window?

I have noticed a  pattern lately of some bloggers calling out  middle of the road, and  "wishy washy" people.. claiming they have lack of passion, do not have a backbone or they don't have a firm stance and are thus contributing to the problem or as some have even called it "evil".

Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment. — Mahatma Gandhi

Let me tell you something.. "evil" is in the eye of the beholder...  If you are an intactivist and you see someone that circumcised their child as evil, they might think the same of you for attacking them.

If you don't vaccinate someone will be thinking you are neglecting your children and exposing them to danger
If you do vaccinate someone will be thinking you are neglecting your children and exposing them to danger.

by the way there is a gray area here..I'm proud and PASSIONATE about this as much as you are about your black or your white.

If someone chooses not to participate in such debates in order to preserve the peace it is not because they are being passive or apathetic.. they might know better ..they might know that an "eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind"  another great Ghandi quote..

Take debates online for instance.. Intactivists vs the circ crowd.. back and forth debating.. wasting energy on giving information to people that don't want to listen.  Meanwhile the "passive" ones post information, if they want it good.. if they don't it's their loss. I actually have reached many friends who have not though about that decision yet because they don't have children or because they have girls to think about it.. I have gotten messages about how they learned from the info. That is where people should focus.. not attacking each other.. information will just get lost there.. I assure you no one is going to say.. "Hallelujah I have seen the light! You are right and I have been wrong"  without being sarcastic..

which leads me to another Ghandi quote..

Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err. It passes my comprehension how human beings, be they ever so experienced and able, can delight in depriving other human beings of that precious right.

Mahatma Gandhi, 1931

We all as moms have good intentions when we discuss such "hot topics" really the majority of us don't do it just to "stir the pot"  When someone mentions vaccines, breastfeeding, circumcision, gentle parenting... we do so to tell people how great it has worked for us or how the research we have done has lead us to discover we were going about things wrong.. or that this other way is better for you. And we want you to learn with us and to possibly avoid harm to your children or you.. or spare you the trouble of  having to get up at night to make a bottle of when you can nurse in bed...  We do not think you are a bad mother.. nor we will hate you if you decide you really don't agree with us. A two way conversation IS possible and I've had many  of those! Did I agree with the other person..no! did the other person agree with me? No..but a seed was planted of understanding where each other comes from. And in turn it leaves both sides open to further info and perhaps maybe a complete understanding.

Think about us as that person who has just found the light in their Lord, and they are so happy they want to share that with everyone! they want everyone to be as happy as they are so they might go on the street and try to get your attention to tell you about their experience  not to force you into it but to invite you. However.. we have seen so many people trying to force their views on some that it has made a cynic out of many that  instead of being received with a smile or with an ear.. he gets pushed.."get out of my way" and cursed at.. "I don't have time for your nonsense!

It is because People who attack make our effort harder and make people prone to being defensive on certain issues.

Ultimately we have the right to err... none of us have been exempt from that..  Look at Mayim Bialik.. on a pedestal for her gentle ways.. a representative of the Holistic Mom's network yet when it came to the fact she circumcised her boys she fell from the pedestal in the eyes of some and she was attacked..

I do not condone her being attacked even if I don't agree with her.  However to the peaceful people who posted info on her page.. what bothered them was not that so much that she circumcised her boys what's done is done.. it was the fact that she deleted their comments where they were not attacking people.. including those of fellow Jewish mothers and fathers..  and chose only to leave the comments attacking the other side  the side she was not on.. and constantly making snarky remarks inviting more discussion yet complaining when the discussion didn't go her way or tell her how wonderful she is.

That is not peaceful! That is not gentle..
 
How is it we boast about our gentle ways yet we can turn around and  attack other mothers with fierceness and without compassion or a heart..
 
How is it we talk about rights, respect, equality, freedom, yet when things don't go our way we deny the same to others..
 
I love this post by the Leaky boob "Passionate advocacy or cyber bullying" There is definitely an thin line between those
 
"Thoughts on radical acceptance" by raising my boychick "A poor explanation makes it sound like optimism on speed, or hippie passivity, or dressed up defeatism, when it is absolutely none of those things" and she explains what she means..  A must read!
 
I invite you to next time that things get heated...  stop... breathe... hug your babies take them for a walk, eat some ice cream, dance,  and let the other side be, (whichever side that might be for you) Do not add fuel to the fire.. just let it be. When the time comes again,..  you can rise and spread your knowledge, you can gather strenght and clear thoughts and keep fighting the good fight... but when your morale is being threatened by overwhelming opposition  backing down is not surrendering.. backing down and gathering strenght is wise.
 

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

Mahatma Gandhi



Don't you just love Ghandi?  

Dear Pillow Pals.. You Suck! ( A real review!)

Yeah.. they suck!  and it's so sad..  They did a great Job of Marketing this to the kids and My daughter was not the exception when she made it clear she wanted one.. she HAD to have one.. I was weary of getting her a pillow made out of the same material as a stuffed animal.. all I kept thinking was eww dust magnet.

But Grandma being a grandma.. Bought one for her last October for Christmas at her local Bed bath and Beyond. She did not make it to Christmas, she gave it to her immediately, she could not wait to see her granddaughter's face. Well my little girl was so excited!  She took it home and immediately that very same night.. a seam busted open.  I then sat there meticulously sewing the seam shut, and daughter went on her Merry way.. She has been sleeping with it since..  2 busted and fixed seams later, She threw up on it one night, The Hubby of course without thinking put it in the wash and the dryer only to find that seam spit all the way open and the stuffing came flying out. Lucky for my daughter I hoard crafting paraphernalia and had some new stuffing handy.. this time.. I zig-zag stitched the damn thing!

See, what buying made in China does? thing is these suckers weren't cheap!  You'd be better off buying the knock offs..

My kid's attached to this thing.. so I give them that. But Lesson learned... I wonder how much these people profited  out of disappointing so many kids and awful customer service.

Have you ever been sold a lemon toy?

The Innocent little shampoo...

Ignorance is bliss...  when you don't know you feel no duty or obligation to change things... except that sometimes.. what you don't know can potentially hurt you.

It occurred to me today to look up the ingredients in my daughter's shampoo.  She hates having her hair washed  so I figured if I let her pick a shampoo the bath time struggle would come to an end.. but I was wrong... either way I eventually got her to trust me to tilt her head all the way back to let me rinse her hair.

The Shampoo she picked.. a pink strawberry one with a bright cartoon character.. of course people who study years of marketing know how to make a  product seem kid friendly while appealing to the kids. And I admit they definitely appealed to my pocket.

Water, Sodium Laureth Sulfate, Cocamidopropyl Hydroxysultaine, Cocamidopropyl Betaine, Dimethiconol, Carbomer, Fragrance, Polyquarternium-10, Sodium Citrate, Tea-Dodecylbenzenesulfonate, Tetrasodium EDTA, DMDM Hydantoin, PEG-150 Distearate, Methylchloroisothiazolinone, Methylsothiazolinone, PPG-9, Mica, Titanium Dioxide, Red 33

I want to list every ingredient and what I found but it is too much to list so I will give you links and a small snippet  to the ones I found most disturbing..  There's a thing to this.. my daughter would complain of burning in the eyes.. which I did not believe (she tends to over dramatize certain situations) and I blamed it on her not liking the water to hit her face.. I mean after all the darned thing said it was tear free! (man I feed bad now.. you will see why)

Sodium Laureth Sulfate  Both Sodium Laureth Sulfate (SLES) and its close relative Sodium Lauryl Sulfate (SLS) are commonly used in many soaps, shampoos, detergents, toothpastes and other products that we expect to "foam up". Both chemicals are very effective foaming agents, chemically known as surfactants.


Unfortunately, both sodium laureth sulfate and its cousin are also very dangerous, highly irritating chemicals. Far from giving "healthy shining hair" and "beautiful skin", soaps and shampoos containing sodium laureth sulfate can lead to direct damage to the hair follicle, skin damage, permanent eye damage in children and even liver toxicity.

So why is a dangerous chemical like sodium laureth sulfate used in our soaps and shampoos?


The answer is simple - it is cheap. The sodium laureth sulfate found in our soaps is exactly the same as you would find in a car wash or even a garage, where it is used to degrease car engines.

In the same way as it dissolves the grease on car engines, SLES also dissolves the oils on your skin, which can cause a drying effect. It is also well documented that it denatures skin proteins, which causes not only irritation, but also allows environmental contaminants easier access to the lower, sensitive layers of the skin.

This denaturing of skin proteins may even be implicated in skin and other cancers.

DMDM Hydantoin For dead humans, they won’t probably mind getting a good dose of formaldehyde. Formaldehyde is used in embalming and it is also emitted by imidazolidinyl urea and DMDM hydatoin. These two formaldehyde-emitting chemicals are found in most of our personal care products in the market today. This substance can be in liquid or gas form, colorless and with a very distinctive smell.


Initially, formaldehyde is used for synthetic resins and textiles. Nowadays, it can also be found with your makeup, lipstick, baby shampoos, and moisturizers. For personal care products, they inhibit bacterial growth thus prolonging shelf life. Other uses of formaldehyde are for waterproofing fabrics, enhancing dyes, production of adhesives and binding construction materials.

This substance is known to cause cancer. Aside from that, it can also induce skin blisters, skin inflammation or dermatitis, dryness of skin and severe breathing problems. When absorbed in large doses, it can cause cancer while if inhaled, it can induce serious irritation to the eyes, nose and throat.

I googled more but found nothing as shocking.. though a lot of them were labeled carcinogens..
in my quest I also found this article about the safety of your baby wash..

in the same blog you will find How safe is your shampoo/conditioner.. (L'Oreal kids shampoo score SHOCKING!) and How  safe is your toothpaste
 
 

I know there are many untapped natural products out there.. a very commonly known California Baby  I discovered when looking for a safe Sunscreen I could use on my 3 month old since I was taking her to Palm Springs and she needed sunscreen but most say under 6 months to consult a Dr.  I gulped at the 20 dollars but decided it was well worth it.. and it was that thing lasts forever!
 
The Shampoo.. sure.. $10-14 dollars  for a shampoo seems like a lot compared to that $2.94 shampoo.. BUT I keep reading that it ends up lasting 4-6 them most I heard.. 8 months!  So it comes out to about the same!  EUREKA! Just how I discovered detergent with out all the chemicals and additives worked better for my laundry.. Personal care products work the same way..
 
I am changing our products.. one at a time.. especially for the sake of my children. Sure we can say carcinogens chemicals are everywhere BUT if we can have one less agent attacking them it can only be good for their health when it comes to the big picture right?
 
Besides the fact that you would be buying most likely from companies that don't do animal testing and that are environmentally responsible.  And made in the U.S!
 
I later that night stumbled onto this.. Conscious living manifesto I invite you to check it out!
 
Other places to check out
 
Conscious community facebook
 
One Natrion Under Mom
 
Non-Toxic Kids.net 
 
California Baby on facebook
 
 
Got any advice? DO you have favorite chemical free products? Are you an expert in no-poo? Know of more pages like this? Any suggestions?  please feel free to share! <3

It's all fine and dandy until....

Here's the thing... I'm very middle of the road and I am a sympathetic person, I do put myself in other people's shoes and I do respect the fact that people have feelings.  However I am passionate about certain subjects,  If you glimpse through this blog you'll find that I am pretty mellow and I am not pro black nor pro white.. I am a make your own choices and be happy with them advocate.

Until I talked about circumcision...  and the statement that got deconstructed, misquoted and selectively read by certain people. In "I'm going to give my newborn a tattoo" I wrote:

"I Do not judge parents who have circumcised their children... I DO judge those who then refuse to read the information that they didn't read before and admit their mistake. Because I doubt anyone who reads all the evidence would still do this to their child. Especially after watching the videos of circumcisions being performed. I could have posted those here but I didn't want to go there."

let me clarify this...

I Do not judge parents who have circumcised their children
it is not my right to judge, I do not know your circumstances..

You could have done it not thinking you had a choice  "A Mother's guilt" by Adventures in Mommyhood
They could have done it without your consent "No Longer Intact: My son's story" by Barbara Smalley
It could be really important to your religion so much so you felt like God would not forgive you. "Circumcision: a Source of Jewish Pain"  "A letter from a father to a son"
You could have been pressured "Circumcision: What the didn't tell me" by Honestly yours, Me.
You could've really just had the best intentions at the time for your child.  "a Letter to my son" by Lauren Stone
You could also be very pro male circumcision and have researched and found that it was the way to go for you. "Proud Moms of circumcised boys" on cafemom group.

I do not know.. and it is none of my business! What you did already if it was your flat out choice is yours to deal with if you are ok with that, no need to explain, defend, or try to validate. And there is no need for anyone to attack you. 


I DO judge those who then refuse to read the information that they didn't read before and admit their mistake. Because I doubt anyone who reads all the evidence would still do this to their child. Especially after watching the videos of circumcisions being performed. I could have posted those here but I didn't want to go there.

This is where I royally fucked up.. (pardon my french)
I gave you the opportunity to read this first...
I DO judge those who then refuse to read the information that they didn't read before and admit their mistake.

And immediately go red in the eyes, then blinded by the outrage of my arrogant cuntness as someone called me,  over me calling what you did a mistake..  you missed the rest..

Because I doubt anyone who reads all the evidence would still do this to their child. Especially after watching the videos of circumcisions being performed. I could have posted those here but I didn't want to go there.


I should've softened the blow beforehand not punched you then helped you back up.

I guess more people would've read the whole paragraph in its entirety if it would've said:

I Do not judge parents who have circumcised their children , however if after being presented with evidence, and watching videos or circumcisions being performed, you still would do this or not admit that perhaps what was done to your child was a mistake then I judge. And I would have gone there with the videos...

It is because I put myself in other people's shoes that I cannot be middle of the road about circumcision, I put myself in that baby's shoes, how can you watch this and not feel anguish for them, which is why most parents are "spared" from being present during the procedure.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAGNnqyNidY





It's all fine and dandy until you question your decisions as a parent or feel that others are questioning you. I have been there, I have felt attacked because I was uncomfortable with my choices.. However I don't expect you to change your mind.. and you shouldn't expect me to validate your choice to circumcise.. at least maybe if you can at least sit down and watch all the videos I just posted and tell me with your heart that you would do it again if time could be turned back. Then I would sit down open my heart and listen to your reasons why you would.

The links I posted up there, with the exception of the cafemom one, and the Jewish father who did not circumcise, are all moms who circumcised for different reasons I invite you to read their stories.

Intent, delivery and acknowledgement: The sugar to your lemonade.

In the gentle parenting world we all have our views and ideals. Some would argue that some of those ideals are more extreme than others. I consider myself middle of the road in some cases, that is not to say that I can not take a firm stance on something I feel passionate about if to me it seems like the only way. For example breastfeeding, though I made many mistakes when I started on this parenting road, I learned and can now tell you I could never be middle of the road on breastfeeding, I will never tell someone formula is ok.. I may acknowledge that in some cases (very rare because I can still argue donor milk can be a choice).. In some cases like complete rejection by the body of human milk that formula though not the ideal could be the last resort.  But that would be rare...

With that said.. do not confuse my middle of the road views at times for lack of  a backbone.. I can assure you I can stand by gray.. with the same passion as I choose black or white.. If I feel gray is reasonable and there is no tangible proof to me that black or white are  right.

That to me is the parenting area where discipline, (I hate that word.), rules, examples, behavior, education come to play.

You will find extremes from raising a child like a soldier, all the way to not making your child say please, thank you, learn to share or be expected to act politely.  Both work for parents that choose to go that route but not for me..

Outcomes on both sides will still vary!  For every child raised like a soldier that becomes successful and appreciative of the parents efforts  I assure you there is another one that grows up to be resentful and angry, and backlashes, perhaps engaging in less than desirable behavior.  For every free spirited child of a hippie in the 60's I assure you some grew up to crave structure and stability and made sure they included that in their future families.

Then thing is when it comes to parenting there is no right nor wrong answer.. there is no book that will tell you everything you need to know to guarantee you a successful well rounded person..

there is a couple of things... Intent, delivery and acknowledgment.

Intent

If you decide to raise your child as a soldier or a free spirit you must ask yourself what is your intent?
Do you mean well? Meaning is this to make your life easier or is it to teach your child a valuable lesson.

It is not the same to raise an unstructured child because you lack the info and you don't know what to do .. or to rebel at how you were brought up than to do so out of wanting his natural tendencies to surface and deal with the emotions behind them and to do so with research, as to what this entails.

It is not the same to raise a soldier out of enforcing your supreme authority  than to raise a soldier knowing that hard work and discipline can be keys to a successful path.


Delivery

Do you keep in mind that your child is still a child? are you empathetic?  DO you know when to question and re-evaluate if what you are doing is working?  Do you consider giving in failure in your part, or do you see it as a message that you might want to change something. Do you feel like it is you vs your child.
If you enforce rules do you do it kindly but sternly, or sternly but kindly?  All of this to me makes a difference.


Acknowledgement.

I think we must acknowledge that human nature.. is human nature..  the most basic human needs according to  Manfred Max-Neef  are

subsistence,


protection,

affection,

understanding,

participation,

leisure,

creation,

identity and

freedom.

are we acknowledging and making sure these needs are met, regardless of what parenting style we adopt?
 
Do we acknowledge that when it comes to parenting we know nothing?  We know what we have lived and we practice what we choose.. but in reality, do we acknowledge that no matter what you do, your child will grow up to be an adult with a mind and free will of his own?
 
Do we acknowledge that as your child grows the rules of the game will change.. you cannot treat a teenager like a child? Maybe a toddler yes but not a kid ?
 
Do we acknowledge that we have to be there for our children.. no matter how busy, how tired, or how much you need to work.. you need to be there.
 
Do we acknowledge that our job is to steer them the right way not dictate it.
 
Do we acknowledge we are not perfect.
 
I think parenting no matter what style you choose to follow.. can be like a pitcher of lemonade. If you just add lemon to water it's going to end up a  bitter mess....  Sugar by itself is just sugar... and who wants to eat spoonfuls of just that? You'll get sick.. but mix them together int he right amounts and you might end up with  something refreshing.
 
I don't have all the answers... I don't claim either side..I am not a parenting guru  but I am a mom just like you.. and all I know is before I choose to take a plan of action in regards to my child's upbringing I always make sure I got those 3 areas covered..  I am not looking for the next Super Doctor.. I am not looking for the next philosopher.. I am looking for a well rounded, HAPPY, caring, responsible adult.. that can look back and say.. I am thankful to my parents.. without them I would not be where I am today.... no matter what path they choose. 
 
In the end you do what works for you.. like I said there is no right or wrong.. we wont know if what we do has worked until our children are adults..  But hopefully I have inspired some to lighten up in their quest to find the "perfect parenting method" as you will not find it in a book. Nature is smart.. she gave us a heart, a conscience and instincts. I think if we listen to those.. we will be ok.
 

5 years in Pictures..

Half a Decade! ;---haha that sounds like a long time. But it's not... it has gone by so fast..

5 years ago I  gave birth to you My little cheeky monkey.. It was not the birth I had hoped for but you were finally here and you were finally mine!

You came into our lives and you turned them upside down!
You turned us into people we couldn't even anticipate we'd become
You made us vulnerable
You made us humble
You made us caring
You made us responsible
You made us proud
You made us happy.
You taught us the world was a much bigger place.
You... our tiny little person, you did all of this.

The first year was full of milestones, sleepless nights, laughter, tears, joy and sorrow..
To see you grow so fast was not something we expected .... I knew once you turned 1 it would all be so fast.



don't worry that was not inside of a car.. chest clip at chest level bar down



AGE 1 You have always been so loved..

A Card from your grandpa

mmm cake!

My friends were your friends when you were too little to have your own :D

Your Second Cousins

Your first Pinata



All the presents you got!



When you learned How to walk.. 14 months.. you decided one day you would just get up and walk

AGE 2

AGE 3

AGe 4
SORRY! WE had no camera this year! but I promise you had a lovely birthday Tinker bell themed! and the rain stopped enough for you to have fun with your friends!

AGE 5. today....

5 years! I am blessed and honored to be your mom.. Today is bittersweet..
You are on your way to being a big kid!
You have your own likes and dislikes,
Your opinions
Your views of the world (as many as a 5 yr old's innocent mind has)

And I am happy in some way I shaped them, In some way I have preserved your innocence and your sense of sympathy towards others.

I am holding on to this day because I know and I hope many more will come.. but just like your other birthdays, none as special as this.. Every year of your life I am grateful, and every year of your life is a gift.

I am happy you chose me! you always make it a point to remind me that just as I wouldn't want any other you... you wouldn't want any other me.

I hope you had and will continue to have a super special day.. and the bst is yet to come my sweet child...

Thank you for teaching me how to be a mom, and I pray one day you'll teach me how to be a grandma.

Love!
Your Rockin' Momma!