Sharing a bed with my baby is an informed choice.



Sleeping in while momma was up!

 I am sick and tired of being put on the side of the ignorant coin when it comes to co-sleeping/bed sharing whatever it is you call it these days if you are into technicalities.. 

You increase SIDS, You could suffocate your baby, The dangers are too many!, Research says it is dangerous, and my favorite.. "I know someone whose baby died, from bed sharing" or "I know someone who knows someone whose baby died from bed sharing" It happens so often I almost always want to beat them to the punch and ask "Let me guess.. you know someone affected right?" I am sorry but I am a little sceptical of it most times.. how convenient that that is always the "winning argument" . . After all who could argue with someones grief, immediately the person shuts down if you ask them the circumstances, where safety guidelines used? Was the parent intoxicated?  Did the person know they were a heavy sleeper? Did the baby just stop breathing? (Something that would be considered SIDS in a crib yet blamed on bed sharing if it happens in the parent bed how biased is that?)

I want to tell the parents who are shocked about co-sleeping.. and see it as neglectful..
The majority of us breastfeed, babywear, research what we do and put into our children, we get the best car seats, go by the safest guidelines.. and you think if we choose to share a bed with our baby that we do it because we're dumb or ignorant?  Nope.. we do it because we researched it.. because it works for us because we practice it safely.

When you see the Infant death Numbers resulting in bed sharing you are not seeing the whole story.

There is a term experts call "Chaotic bed-sharing" which is used to describe people who bed share not by informed choice but because
A) They cannot afford a crib
B) They do not have the living space/correct arrangements
C) They accidentally fall asleep with baby these are not people who regularly bed share.. parent could be intoxicated and fallen asleep with baby.. (Sadly some people do live like that)

When you see charts and studies this is what you see
CPSC Warns Against Placing Babies in Adult Beds; Study finds 64 deaths each year from suffocation and strangulation
now it doesn't tell you the circumstances.. if it was chaotic bed sharing or informed bed sharing.. if proper guidelines where practiced or not.. if the parent was intoxicated.. etc.. it just says babies died and we immediately flip.

Doesn't it seem fishy to you that the Consumer Product Safety commission would be issuing such statements? I mean are they saying beds are unsafe? No they're telling you the safest place is your crib.. the things they are there to regulate.

The United States Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) is an independent agency of the United States Government created in 1972 through the Consumer Product Safety Act  States Government to protect "against unreasonable risks of injuries associated with consumer products.
The CPSC has the authority to regulate the sale and manufacture of more than 15,000 different consumer products, from cribs to all-terrain vehicles, and from barbecue grills to swimming pools. *wikipedia

They have the authority to regulate the sale and manufacture of cribs..
The same people who approved cribs that are now motioned to be made illegal.. the same cribs who have killed babies.


Why have they not gone to the extremes of telling you all cribs are unsafe? Of course they pinpointed drop side cribs and detailed how the accidents happened but they don't do the same with co-sleeping research.


Let me get back on the ball here.. and I this is not about which method is better if your baby in on a crib it's your choice nothing wrong with that.. whatever works for you in this case.. just like bed sharing is my choice. Especially because it has helped me a great deal with breastfeeding, I don't know if I would have made it this year breastfeeding if I had to get up to sit down and breastfeed everytime she woke up.

I cannot say Co-sleeping is 100% safe.. I would be lying  but you cannot say
Sleeping in a crib is 100% safe because.. given the recent news.. you would be lying too!

When we make an informed choice on bed sharing, we know to take precautions we know if we are capable or not.. I know someone who would have loved to co-sleep but she knew she is a heavy sleeper so bed sharing for her would be too risky. I also know of people who would have loved to as well but their husbands are the heavy sleepers or they use a CPAP Machine.. it's all about weighing your options and making an informed choice.

When my instincts told me to share a bed with my baby, I made sure to follow the guidelines and be safe about it.. I also rouse very easily something that is mentioned in  a sleep study done by Dr. James McKenna

"Anthropological and developmental studies suggest that mothers and infants are designed to respond to the presence of the other, and no data have ever shown that among mother-baby pairs who co sleep for breast feeding in a safe cosleeping/bed-sharing environment that mothers are unable to sense the proximity of their babies in order to avoid smothering them. Our own laboratory sleep studies of co sleeping/bed-sharing mothers infant pairs (2 to 4 month olds) reveal that both breast feeding mothers and their infants are extremely sensitive throughout their night - across all sleep stages - to the movements and physical condition of the other. The healthy infant, which includes most infants, are able to detect instances, where for example, their air passages are blocked. They can respond very effectively to alert the mother to potential danger, and they have the physical skills to maneuver out of danger, under normal circumstances. That being said, modern societies and the objects on which we sleep and the social and physical conditions within which bed-sharing can and often does occur especially among the urban poor forces professionals to be very guarded when discussing bed-sharing and/or co sleeping. The truth is that there is no one outcome (good or bad) that can be associated with co sleeping in the form of "bed-sharing, but rather a range of outcomes (from potentially beneficial to dangerous and risky) depending on the overall circumstances within which the co sleeping takes place. " READ MORE HERE....



Here's a Co-sleeping Fact sheet on "The Baby Bond"  I wish the facts would be a bit more updated but they put things into perspective nonetheless

Number of U.S. births year 2000: 4,058,814

Total infant deaths year 2000: 28,411
Age birth to 1 year. (6.9 per thousand)
Number SIDS deaths year 2000: 2,523
Defined as death with unexplained cause, birth to 1 year.
Total suffocation deaths year 2000: 1,000
Number of crib-related "accidents"/yr: 50
Number of playpen-related deaths/yr: 16
Number deaths/yr attributed to overlying: 19 Most are only "suspected."
Number of babies (0-2) dying in night fires/yr: 230 Many of which may have been retrievable if next to parent, not in another room of home. This is true for abductions and other night dangers as well.
Number of deaths/yr in adult beds reported as entrapment/suffocation between bed and wall, headboard, or other furniture, on water bed, in headboard railings, or tangled in bedding: 18 With side-rail: 1 That's 19 of the 60.
Number of deaths/yr reported as suffocation of unknown cause in adult bed: 13 These would be SIDS if in a crib. Remember, these do not necessarily involve co sleeping.
Number of deaths/yr in adult beds from prone sleeping: 5 Again, these are considered SIDS in cribs, and they are preventable in adult beds, as in cribs.

4/yr died not from falling out of adult bed, but from suffocating (pile of clothes, plastic bag) or other danger (such as drowning) after falling out.

13% of U.S. infants are routinely co sleeping with nearly 50% sharing bed for part of the nights. National Institute of Child Health and Human Development 2000 Survey,

Number of U.S. infant lives that could be saved per year by exclusive/extended breastfeeding: 9,000 Exclusive/extended breastfeeding cuts SIDS risk and cuts overall infant death risk in half.


And My favorite reason to bed share?? this..
Kate Evans - The food of love
 
 
Again this is not a "bed sharing is better than crib sleep" post..  I just want to say.. I bed share.. I am aware of the "risks" I am informed and I know what I am doing.  But just like I take precautions with bed sharing,  if you use a crib, please take precautions as well... nothing is certain and nothing is 100% safe.
 
If you don't like the idea of bed sharing, maybe try the crib in your room.. I know with my first daughter.. I decorated this beautiful elaborate nursery only to not use it.. She slept in a crib but my instincts still told me to keep her nearby... I felt safer that way..
 
Either way.. know that my choice is not one done lightly.. I did what was right for us.

2011 WIC Budget cuts..

IF you haven't heard yet.. Republicans are looking into Cutting WIC funding by 10%    Ok.. We agree.. WIC is costing a lot of unnecesary taxpayer money when it comes to easily providing formula you can read some of that on this great post by not so average hippie Mommy Formula Vs Breastfeeding: You might think it doesn't but it DOES concern you!   She wrote that after reading and article stating that  If all WIC babies in the U.S. were breastfed, our economical savings would be $33,000,000 per MONTH!

and here we are... Good old Politicians.. with the answer to all..   Let's cut WIC funding! Yaay! (rolls eyes)

I've been trying to research more on the subject I hear 10% in some places 30% in some .. I find articles suchs as this.. stating that

*WIC could see a 30% budget cut which would mean a reduction in staff and those eligible for it's services. Some 70% to 90% of funding for WIC goes toward employees wages and WIC would also have to re-evaluate who would need help the most with the reduction of resources because of its budget cut. I wonder if the 33 Mil a month would cover it?

Summary: How Budget Proposals Will Affect Food Programs

*Funds WIC at $6.5 billion, a cut of $747.2 million. The Food Research and Action Center estimates that the $6.5 billion funding level would be adequate to serve families currently receiving WIC and would not result in waiting lists for the program. However, this assumes level food prices and demand for services; if either of these increases substantially, this funding level might be insufficient to serve the current caseload. In addition, this funding level precludes the enhancement of the fruit and vegetables benefits for children.





*As it stands, the proposed cuts are deep indeed. The Women, Infants and Children program, which provides food for low-income pregnant women, mothers and young children, would receive a $758 million cut, about 10 percent. It was unclear whether the reductions would force people off of the program.
Read more: http://newsok.com/house-gop-chairman-outlines-sweeping-spending-cuts-affecting-wic-epa/article/3539409#ixzz1HGxZkh4H

This was googling,  it didn't narrow down anything and I didn't find  the answers I needed.. here are my questions:
 
HOW EXACTLY WILL THIS AFFECT WIC
I need straight answers, I got an e-mail  the other day which is when I found out about it was a women crying about not being able to afford formula.. Wahh no pity from me there..
If it turns away people who need it I have a problem with that...
If it cuts workers from it.. I have a problem with that..
If it makes it so they can't afford the very few lactation consultants it has.. I have a problem with that..
 
I tell you what you can cut... Formula, how about you don't provide formula the first 3 months?  Or.. make it available prescription only.. or switch to generic (not like having brand name formula is safer.. look at Similac and their bug parts)
 
How about you don't give people 90 jars of baby food at 6 months of age? I've NEVER  used them!  In the past six months I only cashed in 40 to keep in case of emergency.  That is 500 JARS OF FOOD I saved you!  Can you imagine someone really using 90 jars of baby food a month?  anyway.. 20-30 should be plenty for most.
 
How about you reduce the amount of milk? I get so much milk in each coupon it's ridiculous!
 
WIC has been a great deal of help to me.I am so grateful the taxes I pay have helped me back.. (YES I pay Taxes too! I am a work at home mom who pays taxes quarterly! My husband pays taxes as well! ) . but even I don't use all of the coupons, I don't need that much baby food, I don't need that much cereal, I don't need that much milk.. I don't need that much juice.. .  Veggies is another story  more of those would be nice.. but if the budget cuts take those away it will be a sad sad day..
 
SO If WIC gets its funding cut.. please before you go laying people off.. turning people away, cutting produce vouchers..  Please.. Re evaluate how the money is being spent!  Re-Budgeting vouchers would help keep those jobs and avoid turning people away.  How sad would it be if WIC would come down to a waiting list!
 
One thing you can do if on WIC.. Breastfeed!  Save coupons!
 
ONE MORE QUESTION: WHERE IS THE MONEY BEING CUT GOING TO??? I cannot seem to find any mention to that... I'm a taxpayer.. I want to know! 
 
If you didn't follow any links please visit a new found gem!  WIC WOES: An insider's look at WIC as a former employee and client.  Awesome Blog!

What a difference 1 year makes!

I remember when 1 year seemed like a long time to me...  Now it seems like a blink of an eye.  I think this is why I like New Year's Eve.. I get to look back on my year and wonder what the new year will bring.
Well.. today I am reflecting on a year from March 21st 2010 to March 21st 2011.

Dear Silly girl:

A year ago at this very moment I was exhausted! You were born at 1:15am and the midwives didn't leave til 4am.  We got little sleep but  I was so happy!  We were about to embark on our breastfeeding journey as well ... I cannot believe today marks our 1 year breastfeeding milestone! Something that never happened  with your sister unfortunately.. but thanks to her I learned to become a better mom.

We found out you had Tongue tie but that didn't stop us! We figured a way to nurse without having to touch your frenulum. It worked for us!  We have been through a roller coaster of breastfeeding, mastitis, colds (few of them thankfully) teething, venturing into cloth diapering. (I love your fluffy bottom!)

You have been teaching me so much as well...  You are such a funny, silly, smart, enthusiastic, baby!  You taught me that indeed.. I could love another child of mine just as much as my first.. I love you SOOOOOO much I cannot imagine life without you.. you fit into our family so perfectly as if you were always here.. you were meant to be!  You made my heart grow that much bigger...

Yesterday we finally planted the placenta that connected us, some people would find that weird but not to us.. Your daddy, your sister.. your grandma and auntie were there with us..

We planted it in your grandma's garden on the house where you were born.. under the big lemon tree we all love so much.. (It's our favorite fruit!) You'll soon learn we put lemon on everything!

We closed the hole and placed the stork back on top of it.. and then we realized how appropriate that the stork is guarding the placenta.

We said some words  we gave thanks that you have grown healthy and strong this past year, we wished that the placenta gave its nutrients back to the earth and make that lemon tree grow healthy.. because when life gives you lemons.. we make margaritas!  (yeah that's how your crazy family rolls!)

And I think you'll find yourself lucky to be part of us... We'll always take care of you and love you! Your grandmas will always spoil you rotten!

And so we celebrated!  You got the Head of the table...

We sang Happy Birthday to you!

And you had some cake... which you absolutely loved!


Happy Birthday Baby Girl!  Here's to Many Many Many more!  We love you soooo much!

How Do I break the cycle?

How do you break the cycle once they're older?  Being a gentle parent is so easy, when they're babies and toddlers!   As Babies all you have to do is make decisions on their behalf that lead to a peaceful healthy environment where they can thrive. As a toddler you make sure they don't hurt themselves as they experience their new found mobility and independence while still keeping a loving nurturing environment.. if they have a tantrum  you know it is typical of their age, that they are just frustrated and their bodies, minds and voices don't yet act in conjunction with one another. They're not trying to hurt your feelings and they don't know how to manipulate you.. they know  cause and effect but  it is easy to throw curb balls at them and steer them in a different direction.  It's a challenge but it is a piece of cake compared to what comes next..

and perhaps this is a piece of cake compared to what comes after this.. but this is my reality at the moment.

How can I be a gentle parent to a 5 yr old who has clear thoughts, likes and dislikes, strong feelings, and wit, not to mention an element of drama.

Behold subject in case .....my 5 yr old.

She is loving, funny, caring, artistic, intelligent, curious, witty, <--really I could go on and on after all she's my daughter which parent doesn't find great qualities in her kiddo :)

And with that comes, dramatic, neurotic, OCD, PERSNICKETY! (describes her to a t!) did I mention dramatic? And boy can she hurt my feelings ...

Today for example while walking  to drop of my daytime kid at his bus stop I was making conversation with her..

Me:  How do you want me to fix your hair today?
DD#1:  .....
Me: Hey! How do you want me to fix your hair today, braids, pony tail, side pony tail?
DD#1: ...
Me: Why wont you answer me?
DD#1: Because I don't feel like talking to you..
Me: Why?..Are you mad at me?
DD#1: (returns to being silent)
Me: Ok.. if you're upset let me know why... I don't think I made you upset today..
DD#1: Be quiet! I just don't want to talk to you!

Part of me... got really sad and hurt and part of me got VERY enraged!  I yelled.. I yelled mean things.. (and now I'm crying)  I told her back in my days I would have gotten a smack in the face for talking to my mother like that and that she should appreciate that I don't do that.. I asked why she was being a brat.. I told her if she wanted to be a brat she could look for  a new family... (WHOA WHERE DID ALL THAT COME FROM!)  The words just flowed.. from a dark place in me.. it is not the first time either..  I am trying to be gentle I have been all of her  5 years up until recently... when she started being defiant, mean, hurtful.

It is difficult to pause and analyze the situation when the ones throwing curve balls are them!

There are many things wrong with that I did I know that first of all telling her she was lucky I didn't smack her.. why do I need acknowledgement? She shouldn't even know that smacking your kids is an option for anyone..because it shouldn't be..  I said mean hurtful things.

I apologized when she started crying because I was being mean... I reminded myself of my father.. mentally abusive.. bringing us down, humiliating us and hurting our self esteem only to apologize later and try to buy our affection back with food. (another blog)  Things are not as severe as how he was but I see some of him in me... and I don't like it.

How can I stop myself from the urge to yell, to hurt back?
How can I stop from seeing her as defiant and someone who needs to obey?

I know she has a mind of her own.. and I want her to be respectful..  but I need to teach respect with respect.

I have read many blogs and articles about peaceful parenting but most come from people with children under 3 or 4..  all I can say is piece of cake! I want to know what happens at 5-9-11-13--16! 

How do I save my children from this cycle I come from?

How do I breathe and teach them to be gentle themselves?

Don't get me wrong there is more good than bad... but sometimes.. it just gets out of control..
Any Suggestions from moms with older children?

Very Sincerely
A very sad confused momma...



Back when everything was less complicated.



This Moment.. "Complete Relief"

I am participating on The Leaky Boob's "This Moment" Fridays.. (It's like Wordless Wednesday but on Fridays) I love the idea because she mentioned it makes you "look" for those moments that easily escape us and we'll never get back.  

This Moment... "Complete relief"  our little sea Monkey is growing :)

Looks like Placenta is on the right meaning left.. another baby girl? who knows.. I sure hope so! Girls Rule!

Link your  moments on the comments if you want to participate I'd love to see yours!  

What's wrong with the Ghandi approach?

You must be the change you want to see in the world.

Mahatma Gandhi

“If humanity is to progress, Gandhi is inescapable. He lived, thought, acted and inspired by the vision of humanity evolving toward a world of peace and harmony.” - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.


As a "gentle" "peaceful" parent would you tell your child "Do as I say not as I do?" Or.. "Do not do as I say, and do as I do only if you agree with me" (good luck with a teen!) 

Why is it that we're promoting peaceful, gentle parenting yet when it comes to other fellow humans especially those who dare disagree with us (even if you are right and they are wrong) ..why does that go out the window?

I have noticed a  pattern lately of some bloggers calling out  middle of the road, and  "wishy washy" people.. claiming they have lack of passion, do not have a backbone or they don't have a firm stance and are thus contributing to the problem or as some have even called it "evil".

Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment. — Mahatma Gandhi

Let me tell you something.. "evil" is in the eye of the beholder...  If you are an intactivist and you see someone that circumcised their child as evil, they might think the same of you for attacking them.

If you don't vaccinate someone will be thinking you are neglecting your children and exposing them to danger
If you do vaccinate someone will be thinking you are neglecting your children and exposing them to danger.

by the way there is a gray area here..I'm proud and PASSIONATE about this as much as you are about your black or your white.

If someone chooses not to participate in such debates in order to preserve the peace it is not because they are being passive or apathetic.. they might know better ..they might know that an "eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind"  another great Ghandi quote..

Take debates online for instance.. Intactivists vs the circ crowd.. back and forth debating.. wasting energy on giving information to people that don't want to listen.  Meanwhile the "passive" ones post information, if they want it good.. if they don't it's their loss. I actually have reached many friends who have not though about that decision yet because they don't have children or because they have girls to think about it.. I have gotten messages about how they learned from the info. That is where people should focus.. not attacking each other.. information will just get lost there.. I assure you no one is going to say.. "Hallelujah I have seen the light! You are right and I have been wrong"  without being sarcastic..

which leads me to another Ghandi quote..

Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err. It passes my comprehension how human beings, be they ever so experienced and able, can delight in depriving other human beings of that precious right.

Mahatma Gandhi, 1931

We all as moms have good intentions when we discuss such "hot topics" really the majority of us don't do it just to "stir the pot"  When someone mentions vaccines, breastfeeding, circumcision, gentle parenting... we do so to tell people how great it has worked for us or how the research we have done has lead us to discover we were going about things wrong.. or that this other way is better for you. And we want you to learn with us and to possibly avoid harm to your children or you.. or spare you the trouble of  having to get up at night to make a bottle of when you can nurse in bed...  We do not think you are a bad mother.. nor we will hate you if you decide you really don't agree with us. A two way conversation IS possible and I've had many  of those! Did I agree with the other person..no! did the other person agree with me? No..but a seed was planted of understanding where each other comes from. And in turn it leaves both sides open to further info and perhaps maybe a complete understanding.

Think about us as that person who has just found the light in their Lord, and they are so happy they want to share that with everyone! they want everyone to be as happy as they are so they might go on the street and try to get your attention to tell you about their experience  not to force you into it but to invite you. However.. we have seen so many people trying to force their views on some that it has made a cynic out of many that  instead of being received with a smile or with an ear.. he gets pushed.."get out of my way" and cursed at.. "I don't have time for your nonsense!

It is because People who attack make our effort harder and make people prone to being defensive on certain issues.

Ultimately we have the right to err... none of us have been exempt from that..  Look at Mayim Bialik.. on a pedestal for her gentle ways.. a representative of the Holistic Mom's network yet when it came to the fact she circumcised her boys she fell from the pedestal in the eyes of some and she was attacked..

I do not condone her being attacked even if I don't agree with her.  However to the peaceful people who posted info on her page.. what bothered them was not that so much that she circumcised her boys what's done is done.. it was the fact that she deleted their comments where they were not attacking people.. including those of fellow Jewish mothers and fathers..  and chose only to leave the comments attacking the other side  the side she was not on.. and constantly making snarky remarks inviting more discussion yet complaining when the discussion didn't go her way or tell her how wonderful she is.

That is not peaceful! That is not gentle..
 
How is it we boast about our gentle ways yet we can turn around and  attack other mothers with fierceness and without compassion or a heart..
 
How is it we talk about rights, respect, equality, freedom, yet when things don't go our way we deny the same to others..
 
I love this post by the Leaky boob "Passionate advocacy or cyber bullying" There is definitely an thin line between those
 
"Thoughts on radical acceptance" by raising my boychick "A poor explanation makes it sound like optimism on speed, or hippie passivity, or dressed up defeatism, when it is absolutely none of those things" and she explains what she means..  A must read!
 
I invite you to next time that things get heated...  stop... breathe... hug your babies take them for a walk, eat some ice cream, dance,  and let the other side be, (whichever side that might be for you) Do not add fuel to the fire.. just let it be. When the time comes again,..  you can rise and spread your knowledge, you can gather strenght and clear thoughts and keep fighting the good fight... but when your morale is being threatened by overwhelming opposition  backing down is not surrendering.. backing down and gathering strenght is wise.
 

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

Mahatma Gandhi



Don't you just love Ghandi?  

Dear Pillow Pals.. You Suck! ( A real review!)

Yeah.. they suck!  and it's so sad..  They did a great Job of Marketing this to the kids and My daughter was not the exception when she made it clear she wanted one.. she HAD to have one.. I was weary of getting her a pillow made out of the same material as a stuffed animal.. all I kept thinking was eww dust magnet.

But Grandma being a grandma.. Bought one for her last October for Christmas at her local Bed bath and Beyond. She did not make it to Christmas, she gave it to her immediately, she could not wait to see her granddaughter's face. Well my little girl was so excited!  She took it home and immediately that very same night.. a seam busted open.  I then sat there meticulously sewing the seam shut, and daughter went on her Merry way.. She has been sleeping with it since..  2 busted and fixed seams later, She threw up on it one night, The Hubby of course without thinking put it in the wash and the dryer only to find that seam spit all the way open and the stuffing came flying out. Lucky for my daughter I hoard crafting paraphernalia and had some new stuffing handy.. this time.. I zig-zag stitched the damn thing!

See, what buying made in China does? thing is these suckers weren't cheap!  You'd be better off buying the knock offs..

My kid's attached to this thing.. so I give them that. But Lesson learned... I wonder how much these people profited  out of disappointing so many kids and awful customer service.

Have you ever been sold a lemon toy?